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Affirmation Calendar 2013 January 13 January 26 September 12-15 |
“Although I no longer identify as a LDS, Affirmation is also for people like me”
By Justis Tuia
This is a landmark year for me. September 2012 marked five years since I moved to the capital region to start graduate school. It also marks the fourth year since I came out of the closet, publicly acknowledging before family and friends what I had always known to be true. I was and am gay.
Don’t get me wrong: I’ve always been keenly aware of the chasm that separates me from most other young men. For many years, I had no idea what to call it, but I knew there was something wrong with me–something that should never be shared with others. Two years prior to moving to Washington, DC, I walked away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Unable to reconcile my sexuality with my spirituality, I resolved to never step foot into another church. I was, in many ways, so deeply wounded by a Christian institution and its ambassadors that I became embittered toward organized religion as a whole.
In effect, my faith in an Abrahamic God, a Savior and in organized religion was shattered. How could the “Christian Church” get something so simple so fundamentally wrong? For three years, I maintained my resolve to completely disconnect from organized religion. This outward change was, in many ways, just a small manifestation of the inner turmoil that was raging inside of me. I was furious with my perceived hypocrisy of the Church as I struggled to reconcile the official stance of the Church with my life experience and my personal interaction with everyday members who channeled the love of the Savior in their daily lives.
Looking back, I don’t know exactly how I ended up where I am in my spiritual journey. I only know that a supportive family and Affirmation have provided me with the safe space I needed in order to begin sorting things out. Please be not mistaken: I no longer identify as a Latter-day Saint. I don’t know if I would even identify as a Christian. My spiritual perspective has taken on a much more universalistic flavor. If I were to label my spiritual views today, I would say that I ascribe to a modified ecumenical pantheistic humanism with strong secular undertones.
There are few things that I feel comfortable testifying about any longer; however, I do know that regardless of our various identities, ALL are connected in a much deeper way than the most attuned among us recognize. We are all worthy of love and respect (yes, even our Christian brothers and sisters that fail to afford us this same love), and it is our duty to be grateful for our challenges as they help us to grow, and with this grateful heart set out to heal the world for both ourselves and those less fortunate. For when I pass from this world and there be a just deity (regardless of the form it takes–be it he, she, it, or they), I am confident that I will be rewarded accordingly; if there be an unjust deity, why would I waste precious time and resources in pursuit of a reward that may never come; and, if there be no deity, I can pass from this existence confident that I leave the world a better place than I found it. After all, I am here but for a short period, and each additional day is a precious gift.
There is so much suffering in the world; I refuse to spend time worrying about what may or may not come next. I know what lies before me, and I intend to do something about it. I am confident that it will all work out in the end. Not all people in Affirmation are traveling the same spiritual path as me, and I’m comfortable with affording them the space they need in order to center themselves in the larger world.
Recently, a close friend, Randall Thacker, was elected to serve as President of Affirmation for the 2013 term. This comes as no surprise to me as Randall is an exceptional Spirit, and I am confident he will lead Affirmation with a steady hand and an open heart. I intend to help him accomplish his goals for the organization, while ensuring that enough space remains in the organization for people like me. After all, there’s always enough time, space, resources and love for those who cross our path in Life—regardless of who they are or who they love.
Thank you for posting this, Justis. It gives me hope that Affirmation will continue to be a welcoming place for those of us who no longer identify as LDS yet we are culturally Mormon.
So beautifully said! I am very happy to be in Affirmation with you!
I find your story troubling yet heart-warming and hopeful. I am happy that you have resolved some of the conflicts in your life and that you find fulfillment in the Affirmation family. Keep up your fight for justice and equality and by all means keep up with your writing. You express yourself very well.
It has been a landmark year for me, too. Thanks for your post.
Justis – Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I surely appreciated them very much.
Justis — I’m in a very different place in terms of my journey with the Church, but I affirm with you that “ALL are connected in a much deeper way than the most attuned among us recognize. We are all worthy of love and respect (yes, even our Christian brothers and sisters that fail to afford us this same love), and it is our duty to be grateful for our challenges as they help us to grow, and with this grateful heart set out to heal the world for both ourselves and those less fortunate.” What a beautiful statement.
I love the thought exercise toward the end about God’s existence or non-existence… I look forward to meeting you!
My folks, both of whom were agnostic New York Jews, often reminded me of an expression that I find very relevant to this conversation. They said, that a young person, at some point in their lives, needs to reject their last name in order to find their first name. For me that has always meant that a teen or young adult must, through an important rite of passage, reject their family and go and find their true selves (first name), before they can ever rejoin their family (last name.)
By extension, I find that rejecting one’s church is one of the healthiest things that anyone of us can do. Like the Amish in Pennsylvania, who EXPECT their children to leave the faith and to go and find whatever else is better, they trust their children to find their way to their true spiritual homes. [For many, the children (now young men and women) come back to the Amish way of life - except that this time, they have chosen it as their own. And they are many times stronger in the faith.]
What Justis seems to have done is to do just that. And it is a VERY healthy thing to do. I certainly understand him and am in the process of taking a similar path myself. If I come back, it is because my “family” (meaning the LDS church) has matured sufficiently for me to return. If not, I will be fine elsewhere.
To be sure, it is quite the privilege of being a Messianic Jew (Hebrew Christian) who happened to have found a wonderful home in the Mormon church/culture for almost a quarter century. But, it is time that my straight friends and allies INSIDE of the church begin to put their shoulder to the wheel on our behalf. Ask Allan West, who I have seen elsewhere out here, on Prez. Hinckley’s extraordinary comment about the need for members to politely demand (or words to that effect) the Brethren to take any issue before the Lord. I for one will no longer stand alone with my LGBT member friends.
I hereby call for their presence in this fight immediately. Without them, I would simply continue to hit my head against a proverbial concrete wall – which I now refuse to do any longer. With them, we cannot lose. Please feel free to circulate this plea to anyone and everyone. For that is what the Spirit has taught me on this day at the summit of Haleakala, the volcano in Maui, HI. ///